I have been thinking / Feeling a lot lately and I had to realize that I am not really Content / happy with who I am. I havent been a really good or nice human being and have been hurting other People a lot. I havent been honest nor faithful and egostic and greed driven. How can i Change my path. I know I cant Change who I am - my past. I can ask the People I have hurt for forgiveness and I can do good and help others so they feel better but no matter what I do I dont feel better. I dont feel I am worth of love or joy because of my unfaithfulness and pain I gave others. Is there a Change of finding peace within for beings that have been making mistakes and hurting others? This is egoistic of myself too, writing to you and searching for someone to tell me I am forgiven, because I guess that is what I am looking for, someone who tells me that I am only Human and that my mistakes are forgiven? But that wouldnt be fair nor would I learn from it.
I am afraid of my karmic Actions, I really am. I have suffered a lot myself in my past and experienced a lot pain and unfaithfulness from other People and i used that as excuse to do the same, which is not good at all. So now, dear Hamid, I am not quite sure what I am hoping for because, I know that I wont find forgiveness in writing but I feel better exposing my dark side and being for once honest - saying out loud that I am not as good of a human being as I may seem. How do i became a better human being or how can I come to peace with myself - how to stop being afraid of my Karma? I am sorry to bother you and I am sorry for my own self-pity and Drama but thank you very much just for having this space that I can write you and talk it out loud. I am very grateful just for sending this to you. Thank you very much.
Dear Maya, Thank you for your message. It is good that you gave yourself permission to sit and share what you did with me. I am glad you felt it was safe for you to do so and that there was this space where you could reach out. Yes, we all have a dark side, no human being could say they are free from having one. In some of us, because of past experiences perhaps that have left us with a lot of pain and sadness, this dark side manifests itself more easily than with others where it is more under control.
Most people are not aware of their dark side, they just act out of it without much awareness of what they are doing. To become aware of it, to recognize it and to have the courage to own it and share it with another is already an important step in the right direction, in the direction of acting with more freedom and choice rather than from the impulses of our dark side. The whole process of healing, in the words of Jung, the great writer and psychologist, is about making unconscious material come to the surface, making it conscious and this is very much what I sense you are doing here. So, please take a pause and just sit with this for a moment, no need to rush into any other stage or step. As difficult as this may be for the moment you just need to allow yourself to sit and hold space for what has emerged rather and wanting to fix it or make it disappear.
Peace may come but not in the way we want it as it has its own way of approaching us, it comes to us quietly without making too much noise. The journey to heal and grow starts here and you are exactly where you need to be, right here in the awareness that is yours today. This is your light. This is the beginning of the journey of self-acceptance, in the end what we think of ourselves or what others think of us matters little. What matters is that we bring more and more kindness to our experiences and accept ourselves and our experiences for what they are. In the end we are neither good nor bad, those are values that change with time and circumstances, what is good or right today may no longer be exactly so tomorrow.
So no need to hold on to those ideas. No need to hold on to the idea that I am good person or a bad person, all of that belongs to the activity of our ego as our ego is interested and invested in knowing where it is, how it is doing, what other people think of it and most of all, what it thinks of itself. We simply are no, matter what we think of ourselves and it is in the silent depth of that being quality that we need to show up more.
I hope this has been helpful. My kind wishes to you.